Books Movie Music Travel

I’m really tired of never good enough.

For real, failure is not that scary but the connection between people I love and care is difficult.

How to not disappoint someone or how to not get them angry about me being myself. About me express my feeling and show opinion. It is really not matters if it’s not with someone we care. But it is sensitive and deep hurt once your love one just walked away from you with miscommunicated.

What funny is it, in my class there is subject about how to well communicate and I realize people communicated also because they want to be acceptance from society and the skill of the communication can be developed. I always know that I am ‘better’ communicator than average. But this is my first time that I do know I communicated because I want to be acceptance. It’s even more hurtful when you think about it how unacceptant I’ve been treated in my whole life. I counted how many times people tell me in the face that they proud of ‘ME’, especailly from the word of people I love.

What’s the meaning of being acceptance from society but not from the one we love. What’s the point ? Look at those famous people who suicided, those beloved one but something came up to them to finished their life by their own hands. Look at Robbin Williams, do you see how many lives he saved by make them laugh but eventully he choose to gone out from this world ? Look at Kim Jonghyun that how incredible music he inspired and shine all the lives around the world but … he’s gone out of this world too.

Is it really because they are faliure communicator ?

Am I really a failure communicator ?

Everyone’s life are not easy. People have their own part to get through the struggle life. The diifferent is how you retreat the world once you face those circumstance.

Now I’m whinning about why nobody understand me or try to understand me and blame to God that he plans for me to live alone of being single mom and through every hard decision to make in life by my own. I don’t have principle at all, yesterday I might stand in one thing and another day I change my mind about it and move on. I just live everyday unregreted, at least I try. Even I’m whinning with God but I’m still love him. Thanks to him.

How funny that most people I care always said to me to shut my mouth. I can’t believe I have depression just because I can’t express my word, can’t express my emotion. I’ve been keep it quiet for long, being single for long that I can’t know myself that I feel lonely or what, that I feel I’m not okay with this and when the last time I am very happy, geniuely happiness of my life…… when was it ?

I’ve been drown depth in the pain, secret, faliure, disappointment for so long that … I can’t even tell myself that I am not that depressed.

All the material things that I may earned or by supported from people I love but its only material, its outside… even I have everything that doesn’t mean I am okay. I’m in that point of not okay to say that I’m not okay but I know that I’m not okay but its seems like I’m okay.

When the last time I am happy ? I’m happy often once I see people I love succesful and archived their goals. I love being their supported. I love being there to show that I always there for them. I helped everyway I could and I would, always. But really, when the last time I am happy about myself ? and Why ?

What a silly to retrieve all my memories with all my love one when they all gone for their own life. What the meaning of acceptance ? To be loved from people around the world or to be loved from someone who really know us and laugh with the same joke for the same chemistry ? the one who got us, the one who got the real us.

I’m okay about arguing, I seen it as a process of communication. Two people exchange their opinion emotional. But what I’m not okay is being rude, violence and walking away. That’s the worst case ever. I’m okay to heard word ‘sorry’ better than one day he just walked away and act like nothing really happened. That’s make me feel shit.

Am I really happy right now ? full of material and live with my son, raise him by my own. Or Am I really sad right now ? because of tears and mental breakdown. Me being crying means I’m not happy ? or just to expressed and move on to life. Would you say to me that you ‘proud’ of me and I’ve done the best I could ? Being reasonable and logic person at all time is not difficult but it would be nice if I could be silly my truly self sometimes.