My dearest love, (not you) I know you out there somewhere. I hope you are doing well and stay safe from this world nowadays. I can’t believe myself that I’m still dream about you after a very long time. You still shown in my dream unexpectedly.
Yes, it sad. Torture. Suffer. Struggled. Broken in million pieces.
But… in that alive moment. It’s real. The happiness of mine are real. All the sense are real. It happened.
I didn’t just live after the society. My life is real.
Doesn’t matter what people will label it in what name or what kind of steryotype.
I won’t forget myself and wouldn’t. As long as I remind how to dive deep in moments and get back to NOW everytime, it’s okay.
The thing to do is slowly accept the truth of myself. The truth of my own story.
Hope that the ME in male version will find me somewhere. One day we will meet and embrace the life together.
How’s funny that the most happiness for life is so simply. Not from win the competition or save the world or being famous but it is simple just like you dive in the water of happiness.
For real, failure is not that scary but the connection between people I love and care is difficult.
How to not disappoint someone or how to not get them angry about me being myself. About me express my feeling and show opinion. It is really not matters if it’s not with someone we care. But it is sensitive and deep hurt once your love one just walked away from you with miscommunicated.
What funny is it, in my class there is subject about how to well communicate and I realize people communicated also because they want to be acceptance from society and the skill of the communication can be developed. I always know that I am ‘better’ communicator than average. But this is my first time that I do know I communicated because I want to be acceptance. It’s even more hurtful when you think about it how unacceptant I’ve been treated in my whole life. I counted how many times people tell me in the face that they proud of ‘ME’, especailly from the word of people I love.
What’s the meaning of being acceptance from society but not from the one we love. What’s the point ? Look at those famous people who suicided, those beloved one but something came up to them to finished their life by their own hands. Look at Robbin Williams, do you see how many lives he saved by make them laugh but eventully he choose to gone out from this world ? Look at Kim Jonghyun that how incredible music he inspired and shine all the lives around the world but … he’s gone out of this world too.
Is it really because they are faliure communicator ?
Am I really a failure communicator ?
Everyone’s life are not easy. People have their own part to get through the struggle life. The diifferent is how you retreat the world once you face those circumstance.
Now I’m whinning about why nobody understand me or try to understand me and blame to God that he plans for me to live alone of being single mom and through every hard decision to make in life by my own. I don’t have principle at all, yesterday I might stand in one thing and another day I change my mind about it and move on. I just live everyday unregreted, at least I try. Even I’m whinning with God but I’m still love him. Thanks to him.
How funny that most people I care always said to me to shut my mouth. I can’t believe I have depression just because I can’t express my word, can’t express my emotion. I’ve been keep it quiet for long, being single for long that I can’t know myself that I feel lonely or what, that I feel I’m not okay with this and when the last time I am very happy, geniuely happiness of my life…… when was it ?
I’ve been drown depth in the pain, secret, faliure, disappointment for so long that … I can’t even tell myself that I am not that depressed.
All the material things that I may earned or by supported from people I love but its only material, its outside… even I have everything that doesn’t mean I am okay. I’m in that point of not okay to say that I’m not okay but I know that I’m not okay but its seems like I’m okay.
When the last time I am happy ? I’m happy often once I see people I love succesful and archived their goals. I love being their supported. I love being there to show that I always there for them. I helped everyway I could and I would, always. But really, when the last time I am happy about myself ? and Why ?
What a silly to retrieve all my memories with all my love one when they all gone for their own life. What the meaning of acceptance ? To be loved from people around the world or to be loved from someone who really know us and laugh with the same joke for the same chemistry ? the one who got us, the one who got the real us.
I’m okay about arguing, I seen it as a process of communication. Two people exchange their opinion emotional. But what I’m not okay is being rude, violence and walking away. That’s the worst case ever. I’m okay to heard word ‘sorry’ better than one day he just walked away and act like nothing really happened. That’s make me feel shit.
Am I really happy right now ? full of material and live with my son, raise him by my own. Or Am I really sad right now ? because of tears and mental breakdown. Me being crying means I’m not happy ? or just to expressed and move on to life. Would you say to me that you ‘proud’ of me and I’ve done the best I could ? Being reasonable and logic person at all time is not difficult but it would be nice if I could be silly my truly self sometimes.
This is my very first time that I do actually listening. After many years that my dad brought me and my siblings attend the company annual Archivers Nite Party. I just genualy realized what you will get when you invest time on something. Some people might feel sympathy for me from my family background. But this time really first time I did hearing of what actually meaning for word ‘living the dream‘.
“If these people on stage can do it, you can do it too!” – Uncle Big.
Sincerity, Stability and Security. People more insecure and struggle than I did, was less opportunity and support that I’ve got. But people whom sacrifice the most are successful. Work hard, patience, faith, never give up and keep trying. No matter what they get in the end of the day, even it’s what they actually want or not, it’s always worth it because it’s always earn something, at least their lessons.
Opportunites, Thank you Uncle Patrick.
I don’t want to forget the feeling of grateful and thankful from the party. There was 25 years ago that everything just began, and look how great they are now. How one company still strong and strength with united staff whom supported each other and trustworthy not to give up on each other. How person can give such big opportunity from one to one another in every crisis circumstances. Only thing that no matter how wealthy other organization seems to be but can’t compete this 25 years old company is ATTITUDE. How unbelievable that it is an ATTITUDE whom drive one good to another and expand the good one and continuously effectively goodness to people. People come and go all the times but how this community so lively and worthy of living the dream. They show no harm to people, they give especially joyce to people all the time and mostly time they give win win situations. How this kind of community is really exit, that they won’t judge you just because your sexual, educational, biological, lifestyle, nationality not even regions. They respect your performance after all. How the world would be nicer to live if our colleagues in workplace such optimistic and logical like these people.
Opportunity belong to whom seek it.
On the way back home, while my siblings and my son were sleeping on the bed. I realized I am adult now. I have to go to meeting and traveled from house in early morning even last night I had party with family members and went to bed very late. In 2 hours driven, I saw the road, cars, trees, sky and cloud. My destination was office. In every decision I need to think of, is it worth enough not to take another choice. It’s easy to decide when you get comparision by just choose the one you get more. But it more easier for me to choose the one that less loose.
I asked myself what my dad earn after 25 years of his career. He earned 6 children and 1 grandson that our bond are strong enough to still stay together as long as he eagerly most to hold the relationships no matter for what reasons. He always our mentor and set as example to be always positive and be limitless even been through the difficult life.
My mom, she earned most stability for the family. She leading the investment. She always know her children truly and be with them in distance, be realisticandsupportchildren’s dream at the same time. She not quiet speech person but she lead as example by her action.
Now, I come think of it. What do I earn after these 25 years. Did I invest my time on something that worth it ? Is it progress and growth opportunities ? Will I regret it later when the time passed by ?
The thing is luckily I knew what is my life goal. I just not self confidence and dare enough to take a risk. Because I still stick with the comfort zone. Mostly because I just don’t want my son to have a struggle life same as I do. Which is good to fight for it to earn something for your children but it’s not good at all once you only take the safe side. Like this era of technology and innovation, time fly but I’m still the same (not upgrade) which mean I am old and getting older if I’m not change to be better, improvement of myself, living my life and break the unbreakable of my own capability. Because time did fly and it won’t stop to wait for anyone.
I don’t want to wake up on my 30th years birthday and regret that I didn’t try to archive to success my dream career. This life nowadays not only about money. Money value is something that value less everyday. 5,000 baht a month might seems enough to spend, ten years ago. But 5,000 baht a month today can’t even afford the nice neighborhood.
Now I realize, becoming of CAREER that I’d proud to be for next 25 years or at least next 5 years is the irreplaceable. But in the mean time, not to distract my mindset by believe in other people’s goal, or even the standard goal set up from society. Being confidence in my real goal, the pure dream one from bottom of my heart. Because if you work just because to earn money, when the crisis situation comes to you times to times, you will slowly lose your truly self just to accept the majority rule in your socialized, blended in group and ignore the small criminal attempt that one day it will effect all citizen now and future just because you want to earn a little bit more money.
Money can buy your better life but also can destroy yourself and future in the mean time if you not value it to the right thing. Sometimes choosing right thing to do is also confusing because some reason might be right for us but totally wrong for others. My advice is: always choose the peaceful way of your own mind, choose the path that you won’t regret later in next 25 years or even the next 25 seconds.
Invest your time and value money to the right thing. Choose the path that you won’t regret in next 25 years or even next 25 seconds.
I really want to kept this moment when my mom and me laugh so hard together. I remember the time that we laughed together, the day we still together in that big house in the capital ciity. I’m the eldest daughter so she mianly use me to do things she wants. Example one day, in that big house we had parking lot and yard. We had a black middle size dog. We had fish ponds, the big one and the small one. The thing is my mom, she wants to move the small fish pond from another corner to another corber so we could have a bigger space for parking lot. We do remove fish in the pond to a bucket and we removed water out from half of it. And we started help carried this heavy thing and moved. She said ”Count 1 – 3 and we’ll move to the left” ”1..2..3…” Then we turned around like a circle because she didn’t said her left or my left. Then we placed it down and look at each other. She started to have a little upset with me, I think she thinking about what to scold me. Then again she said ”Now we’ll move to the right” ”1..2..3…” Again we carried this really really heavy fish pond into circle. Then she gonna start to scold me for real because it was really heavy for two girls to heavy and I still dumbass play around. Which I actually didn’t play around. I just do exactly what she told. First she said to the left I went to the left side, again she said to the right, I saw my mistake from the first time so I went to her right. Lol. Now I’m started thinking of it, I laughed so hard. The thing really heavy. So she started to scold me but she saw my face that I didn’t intend to made her tired and she also saw my face that its really tired to carried this heavy thing so she burst to laughed. I told ”Again, this time…. your left or my left mommy ?” with the exhausted voice. Now she laughed so hard. I saw her laughed face made me relieved because I thought I was going to been scolded from did stupid thing. She laughed and continue said ”your left…” So I went to correct direction this time, but she still non-stop laugh at me no matter how hard she tried to stop it. Once I saw that, it even made me burst out laughed also, so I said ”Mommy… please don’t laugh, this thing is heavy, when you laugh its make me laughed too and its strenghless…” Now she laughed so hard, because she leave the fish pond and I’m the only one who was holding it. ”Mommy…. it’s heavy!” She laughed. ”Hahahahahaha!” We keep laughed and stop laughed and laughed again together for about 15 minutes. We try to remove more water in it also and finally we can moved the fish pond the the very right corner. That her facial expression made me happy so much. We not tired from move heavy thing, we tired from laughed so hard together. The happy tired.
So about the sashimi laugh. Yesterday after business meeting, we went to have lunch together. Lately my mom not usally have breakfast before she started work and sometimes she missed the lunch too because of her busy appointment with customers. That made her has stomachached times to times because of her acid. But yesterday was fine, we went to sashimi buffet lunch. She drove me to the restaurant and we sat at the table, she faced inside the restaurant I faced outside to the window. We talked normal stuff like ”Why you not faced outside ?” ”I lost my sunglasses, I’m still annoyed about it” ”Please called to car insurance that you wants to fix something and open claim with call center, then later you can drove this car to garage to fix it” ”Yes, mommy” ”What city you going to visit in China ?” ”Shan Dong” ”How’s the weather will be there?” I gave her my gloves and asked her normal stuff and ordered meal to eat together. Normally when we have buffet we always agreed that we will order only what we will eat, no need to order for others because once we can’t finished it, the shop will fine us and can’t take away. My order served first so I started eating it. Her order served after I finsihed my first plate and she started eating it too. We ate and we talked. Her favourite plate is Tuna Sashimi. My favourite plate was just normal mixed all sashimi together and beef sushi with foie gras on top. We asked, we answered each other about all normal stuff. I also told her to do travel insurance also, in case that she get sick from change weather so she can go to good hospital and insruance still cover for the expenses. Then she asked ”What is it on top of Takoyaki ?” ”I’m not sure let me ask the waitress” ”How to called this thing ?” ”I don’t know ma’am, let me ask the chef” Then my mom and me looked at each other and started to smile. The waitress came back and said ”It’s dried fish slice ma’am” ”Thank you” I saw my mom tried to cut her beef into pieces so I asked ”Why you do that ?” ”I don’t like the fat tendon, it’s hard to chew and not delicious” When I almost finished all my order, my mom start asking ”Why you not take this pork slice plate at all ?” ”I didn’t oder it” ”You order it, you finish it” ”I order it because I thought you will eat it too” ”Wait a minute, we agreed everytime we had buffet, we order only what we eat” ”You eat too less” ”I ate a lot, the waitress remove my empty plates out so it’s look like nothing which it’s not” ”Try it! Help me finish it” I started to laugh inside my mind. So I pick one of it up and put in my mouth and start to chewed. It’s hard texture and so salty. I made my facial expression like I shouldn’t take it at all ”What is this sauce ? Its so salty. Oh….” And my mom, she started laugh at it so she took another slice put in my miso soup and said ”Washed it with soup first so it less salty” So I ate another pork slice after her instruction ”It still tasty, let me have some soup… (I sip that miso soup)… Oh! This is super salty!” ”Hahahaha” ”Mom, now everything salty” Then I sip a coca cola ”This is too sweet too” And she non-stop laugh at me. I tried to finish her order so we can finish and go. I open some menu thinking of what to order to clear this salty taste in my mouth ”I have one mango ice cream please” My mom order with waitress. I looked at her and think she not even finished her plate yet and now she order her desert ”I have one lime ice cream please” I told the waitress. Then my mom asked me ”You ordered something you wanna eat, I thought you going to oder some more meal” ”Oh mommy, I was thinking what to order to rinse my mouth but I see all menu look greasy” She start laughed again. I continue to finish the pork slice and I said ”There is no vegetable menu at all” She said she ordered already but it not served yet. So I followed with waitress the grilled oringi mushroom ”4 plates of this please” And not long moment, the mushroom was served, it come with 8 sticks, I asked my mom ”How many you order ?” ”4” ”It’s 8 now” My mom looked at the waitress, the waitress said ”It’s 2 sticks each plate ma’am” My mom repeated to me ”It’s 2 each plate, I ordered” My eyes wide open ”Omgsh… that oily mushroom” My mom laughed and use napkin place on those mushrooms to make it less oily. I took some of it together with the pork piece and put in my mouth ”Oh it so oily” I tired to make it taste better by put tomate on top of the mushroom and the pork slice. ”This would help” My mom put some her tea water rinse the pork slice for me I put it to my mouth ”It’s not help at all, even tomato are too salty too” My mom laughed. I asked waitress ”What is this sauce in pork slice plate ?” ”I don’t know ma’am, let me ask the Chef” Me and my mom looked at each other and we start to laugh again ”It’s Wagyu sauce ma’am” ”It is very salty. It’s too much” I told the waitress and she smiled at me. ”Mommy, remember this Wagyu sauce and never order it again” She laughed at me and finish her mango ice cream and ordered another milk ice cream. When she finished it then she ‘burp’ out loud and she continue talked like nothing happened. I look at the waitress, obviously she can hear us ”Omgsh…….Mommy!” Then we laughed. Like non-stop laughing. ”It’s that you not said ‘excuse me’ at all but you continue talking like nothing happened” ”Hahahahaha… even the waitress laughed too” My mom said that. I barely look to the waitress in the eyes. And I saw my mom facial expression like she wants to laugh so much but she need to hold it because we in restaurant and the waitress could hear us but she can’t help it the laugh. That even make me burst out the laugh harder. ”I think these plates put marijuana in it, that’s why we can’t stop laugh at all” I said that with the laugh voice with my mom still laughing at it but this time I heard the laugh noise from the waitress too. ”Omgsh… mommy!” ”We need to come this buffet restaurant only when we really starving otherwise we eat so little” I looked at her eyes, I knew she just change the topic… her eyes met my eyes and she knew what I was thinking then she laughed…
We laughed so hard that lunch and I felt so good to make her laugh especially when she laughed with me and I heard her laughter. The way back I was thinking in my mind that of course she will harsh on me with other people, same me that I harsh on her sometimes with myself of version. But still what we have its affection and this is the relationship I know and was built into it. I love my mom. Even how harsh we’ve been to each other. I knew she loves me too.
These situation nowadays around the world make me wonder, what could happened if Japan won the 2nd World War not the USA. Japan country has developed their own country and people a lot even their country lose the War. Japan known as the most clean, most polite and the most discipline country in the World. Japan remains one of most strongest country in Asia.
If you been in Japan before, you will know that Japan love their country and no harm to others. Tokyo ranked World’s safest city in the World.
In Year 2019 Hong Kong people has fight with their own government, killing each other, set their own nation person on fire, using violence with eldery, beaten the innocent people, shut down the subway, burn the shopping malls and many more, destroy their own economy that their ancestor spent over lifetime to built as the lead top 5 strongest economy country of ASIA collapse only within a year. Their excuse purpose to win freedom like USA. This year under President Trump’s leading seems more cleary that Americans wants to tear our ASIAN apart. USA excuse that China is harm to USA’s stability, information privacy and many reasons just because China has developed China’s knowledge and ability to build same technology, innovation to developed China’s people and country, not the USA. So they went to world court and sued each other that China get advantage on USA about TAX agreement and delight it to increase TAX with China. China defend that it is ON agreement with both parties agreed as a win-win and fair agreement in term of use China to produce production. This Hong Kong case is just a tiny game for USA that plan to win against China. USA use language barrier to frame China into villians of the World.
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