I’m really tired of never good enough.

For real, failure is not that scary but the connection between people I love and care is difficult.

How to not disappoint someone or how to not get them angry about me being myself. About me express my feeling and show opinion. It is really not matters if it’s not with someone we care. But it is sensitive and deep hurt once your love one just walked away from you with miscommunicated.

What funny is it, in my class there is subject about how to well communicate and I realize people communicated also because they want to be acceptance from society and the skill of the communication can be developed. I always know that I am ‘better’ communicator than average. But this is my first time that I do know I communicated because I want to be acceptance. It’s even more hurtful when you think about it how unacceptant I’ve been treated in my whole life. I counted how many times people tell me in the face that they proud of ‘ME’, especailly from the word of people I love.

What’s the meaning of being acceptance from society but not from the one we love. What’s the point ? Look at those famous people who suicided, those beloved one but something came up to them to finished their life by their own hands. Look at Robbin Williams, do you see how many lives he saved by make them laugh but eventully he choose to gone out from this world ? Look at Kim Jonghyun that how incredible music he inspired and shine all the lives around the world but … he’s gone out of this world too.

Is it really because they are faliure communicator ?

Am I really a failure communicator ?

Everyone’s life are not easy. People have their own part to get through the struggle life. The diifferent is how you retreat the world once you face those circumstance.

Now I’m whinning about why nobody understand me or try to understand me and blame to God that he plans for me to live alone of being single mom and through every hard decision to make in life by my own. I don’t have principle at all, yesterday I might stand in one thing and another day I change my mind about it and move on. I just live everyday unregreted, at least I try. Even I’m whinning with God but I’m still love him. Thanks to him.

How funny that most people I care always said to me to shut my mouth. I can’t believe I have depression just because I can’t express my word, can’t express my emotion. I’ve been keep it quiet for long, being single for long that I can’t know myself that I feel lonely or what, that I feel I’m not okay with this and when the last time I am very happy, geniuely happiness of my life…… when was it ?

I’ve been drown depth in the pain, secret, faliure, disappointment for so long that … I can’t even tell myself that I am not that depressed.

All the material things that I may earned or by supported from people I love but its only material, its outside… even I have everything that doesn’t mean I am okay. I’m in that point of not okay to say that I’m not okay but I know that I’m not okay but its seems like I’m okay.

When the last time I am happy ? I’m happy often once I see people I love succesful and archived their goals. I love being their supported. I love being there to show that I always there for them. I helped everyway I could and I would, always. But really, when the last time I am happy about myself ? and Why ?

What a silly to retrieve all my memories with all my love one when they all gone for their own life. What the meaning of acceptance ? To be loved from people around the world or to be loved from someone who really know us and laugh with the same joke for the same chemistry ? the one who got us, the one who got the real us.

I’m okay about arguing, I seen it as a process of communication. Two people exchange their opinion emotional. But what I’m not okay is being rude, violence and walking away. That’s the worst case ever. I’m okay to heard word ‘sorry’ better than one day he just walked away and act like nothing really happened. That’s make me feel shit.

Am I really happy right now ? full of material and live with my son, raise him by my own. Or Am I really sad right now ? because of tears and mental breakdown. Me being crying means I’m not happy ? or just to expressed and move on to life. Would you say to me that you ‘proud’ of me and I’ve done the best I could ? Being reasonable and logic person at all time is not difficult but it would be nice if I could be silly my truly self sometimes.

Happy 25th Anniversary

Happy 25th Anniversary

This is my very first time that I do actually listening. After many years that my dad brought me and my siblings attend the company annual Archivers Nite Party. I just genualy realized what you will get when you invest time on something. Some people might feel sympathy for me from my family background. But this time really first time I did hearing of what actually meaning for word ‘living the dream‘.

“If these people on stage can do it, you can do it too!” – Uncle Big.

Sincerity, Stability and Security. People more insecure and struggle than I did, was less opportunity and support that I’ve got. But people whom sacrifice the most are successful. Work hard, patience, faith, never give up and keep trying. No matter what they get in the end of the day, even it’s what they actually want or not, it’s always worth it because it’s always earn something, at least their lessons.

Opportunites, Thank you Uncle Patrick.

I don’t want to forget the feeling of grateful and thankful from the party. There was 25 years ago that everything just began, and look how great they are now. How one company still strong and strength with united staff whom supported each other and trustworthy not to give up on each other. How person can give such big opportunity from one to one another in every crisis circumstances. Only thing that no matter how wealthy other organization seems to be but can’t compete this 25 years old company is ATTITUDE. How unbelievable that it is an ATTITUDE whom drive one good to another and expand the good one and continuously effectively goodness to people. People come and go all the times but how this community so lively and worthy of living the dream. They show no harm to people, they give especially joyce to people all the time and mostly time they give win win situations. How this kind of community is really exit, that they won’t judge you just because your sexual, educational, biological, lifestyle, nationality not even regions. They respect your performance after all. How the world would be nicer to live if our colleagues in workplace such optimistic and logical like these people.

Opportunity belong to whom seek it.

On the way back home, while my siblings and my son were sleeping on the bed. I realized I am adult now. I have to go to meeting and traveled from house in early morning even last night I had party with family members and went to bed very late. In 2 hours driven, I saw the road, cars, trees, sky and cloud. My destination was office. In every decision I need to think of, is it worth enough not to take another choice. It’s easy to decide when you get comparision by just choose the one you get more. But it more easier for me to choose the one that less loose.

I asked myself what my dad earn after 25 years of his career. He earned 6 children and 1 grandson that our bond are strong enough to still stay together as long as he eagerly most to hold the relationships no matter for what reasons. He always our mentor and set as example to be always positive and be limitless even been through the difficult life.

My mom, she earned most stability for the family. She leading the investment. She always know her children truly and be with them in distance, be realistic and support children’s dream at the same time. She not quiet speech person but she lead as example by her action.

Now, I come think of it. What do I earn after these 25 years. Did I invest my time on something that worth it ? Is it progress and growth opportunities ? Will I regret it later when the time passed by ?

The thing is luckily I knew what is my life goal. I just not self confidence and dare enough to take a risk. Because I still stick with the comfort zone. Mostly because I just don’t want my son to have a struggle life same as I do. Which is good to fight for it to earn something for your children but it’s not good at all once you only take the safe side. Like this era of technology and innovation, time fly but I’m still the same (not upgrade) which mean I am old and getting older if I’m not change to be better, improvement of myself, living my life and break the unbreakable of my own capability. Because time did fly and it won’t stop to wait for anyone.

I don’t want to wake up on my 30th years birthday and regret that I didn’t try to archive to success my dream career. This life nowadays not only about money. Money value is something that value less everyday. 5,000 baht a month might seems enough to spend, ten years ago. But 5,000 baht a month today can’t even afford the nice neighborhood.

Now I realize, becoming of CAREER that I’d proud to be for next 25 years or at least next 5 years is the irreplaceable. But in the mean time, not to distract my mindset by believe in other people’s goal, or even the standard goal set up from society. Being confidence in my real goal, the pure dream one from bottom of my heart. Because if you work just because to earn money, when the crisis situation comes to you times to times, you will slowly lose your truly self just to accept the majority rule in your socialized, blended in group and ignore the small criminal attempt that one day it will effect all citizen now and future just because you want to earn a little bit more money.

Money can buy your better life but also can destroy yourself and future in the mean time if you not value it to the right thing. Sometimes choosing right thing to do is also confusing because some reason might be right for us but totally wrong for others. My advice is: always choose the peaceful way of your own mind, choose the path that you won’t regret later in next 25 years or even the next 25 seconds.

Invest your time and value money to the right thing. Choose the path that you won’t regret in next 25 years or even next 25 seconds.

Happy 25th Anniversary.